Worst of Both Worlds
by Cytisinth
Summary: Pleasure is hard to come by when you have two heads but only one of everything else. (No consummated pairings.)


Worst of Both Worlds

by Cytisinth

Disclaimer: _Monsters University_ and everything that carries the logo thereof are the property of Disney/Pixar. I do not intend to reap financial rewards with this work of fan fiction. Nor do I intend to infringe on copyright.

Also, I originally posted this fic on LiveJournal's Disney kink meme. FFN bans straightforward pornography, but their guidelines regarding unearthly eroticism are unclear. While this fic is devoid of sexual contact, it does include monstrous masturbation. Is the manipulation of genitalia kosher here if it's confined to the realm of science fiction? The point I'm trying to make is that, for all the mentions of lust in the story proper, it's supposed to read more like a Discovery Channel program than anything erotic. For another matter, this fic may or may not involve incest, depending on your point of view. With those caveats in mind, here you go.

* * *

Life caressed a fortunate few and mocked all others, especially two-headed monsters. Obviously, in a world populated by everything from wide-mouthed green slime molds to fuzzy amalgamations of bats and reptiles to centipede/dragon hybrids, no one had much authority to single out anyone else for looking "weird." But the irrationality of preferences and attraction still trod across each individual brain—and when two brains with different (though, admittedly, not incompatible) preferences shared the same body, they might as well give up on mating altogether.

Such thoughts flitted through Terry's mind as he and Terri rolled over in their small twin bed that night, their sweat leaving little lavender stains on the sheets. Their laughable attempt at a sex life this past week had blown up in their faces. Their search for an elusive double-headed intersexed monster had borne little fruit—and when it finally had, the result tasted bitter. Shelley and Chellie, as they had introduced themselves, behaved as graciously and looked as attractive as any monster could, but conversation with them proved a never-ending list of misfortunes. They were forced to stay in a single room, since the housing authority insisted that they would "freak out" any hypothetical roommate. They were half-male, so they were barred from joining a sorority. They were half-female, so they were not allowed to join a fraternity. Terry and Terri were the first date they had ever had; even the other two-headed monsters waved their advances away with a "Thanks, but I'm not into _that_." Fortunately, all buildings on campus contained unisex bathrooms to accommodate sexless or third-sex or fourth-sex monsters, so Shelley and Chellie took comfort that they were permitted this one necessity. It was all they could rejoice in. While Terry and Terri sympathized with their litany of woe, they wished that the bright green octopus-people could manage an occasional pair of smiles, although smiling was difficult enough, given that they had beaks.

Some monsters could alter their sexual characteristics at will, but Shelley and Chellie did not belong to that category. And even if they did, nothing would have been solved. Terri mustered no attraction to anything female, whether she was a serpentine succubus or a fuzzy blue sloth-creature, and Chellie becoming male was out of the question. In fact, both of them insisted that their respective psyches meshed perfectly with their physical sexes.

What finally ground the rickety jalopy that was their relationship to a halt occurred a few hours ago. The four of them had fumbled at a make-out session, which began with Terry kissing the sucker-dotted underside of Chellie's tentacles and Terri offering his neck to Shelley for a round of love bites, as always. A few minutes later, however, Terry's lips and hands crept over to Shelley, leaving Chellie neglected. She pushed both Terry and Terri off Shelley's flank. All three male participants in the thwarted foursome uttered cries of protest, but Chellie shouted, "That's it! If I'm not going to enjoy myself, I'm not going to watch my _brother_ do it! Get out of here, and take your glowy thing with you!" She gestured with her awkward half-formed tentacle-fingers to the mesh-covered sphere of iridescent protoplasm that Terri had brought as a toy. And the brothers _did_ scuttle out of the lonely room that their week-long lovers shared with themselves.

Terry shuddered as the events of the evening played back. Before he could distract himself by constructing a mental outline of his upcoming extra-credit paper on Gorgon poetry, he heard his brother whisper to him.

"Terry?"

"What is it?"

"I know we've had a disappointing love life, especially, y'know, tonight—"

"Wow! Thank you for telling me." Terry picked up his pillow to stuff over Terri's face, but he lowered it with a sigh.

"But I was gonna say that it's a miracle we even found _them_. I mean, remember when we were in high school and we never went on a single date because you thought you were only into girls?"

Terry pretended to gasp. "No, not at all! I completely missed that entire four-year stretch of my life! I was not present for the greater part of my own adolescence! I didn't become self-aware until we got lucky with that hulking reptilian brute in freshman year!"

"Oh, come on. Cheer up. Why don't we just lie back and think about how that evening _should_ have gone, hmm?"

"I don't want to think about _them_ anymore. Let's forget about them." Terry pulled his share of the comforter over his body. His brother took him by the hand.

"Good idea. You know, we could think about someone else instead. Another monster we've had our eyes on..."

"Where are you going with this?"

"You know who I mean. He was the reason we wanted to join the fraternity."

Before he replied, Terry emitted a sigh. "But that'd be _weird_. Once you're actually living with your frat brother, it's different."

"Well, yeah, familiarity breeds contempt and all...but we both love him. As long as his mom doesn't find out, we'll be in good shape."

Wordlessly, Terry admitted to himself that Terri was right. Why should each of them love differently when they shared a heart between them? Why should each one desire a separate person, indeed, when...

A shiver ran down the length of their hectocotylus. The instant he felt it, Terry groaned.

"I know what you're trying to do."

Terri laughed. "What, you want me to _stop_? I've never heard of anyone who didn't like orgasms. Even if you don't like sex, you like orgasms. Unless you're just a brain with no body."

"No—I don't want you to stop. You haven't even started."

Although Terry turned his face toward the wall, he expected that Terri was grinning to bare his blunt teeth (though, he pondered, they would have been needle-sharp millions of years ago). "All right, then. Instead of dwelling on our failures, let's think about Squishy. His pudgy little body, that funky head of hair he's got, all those cute little eyes..."

Their hectocotylus started writhing. Terry choked back a squeal as he thought of everything that Terri mentioned. He envisioned himself nipping at the featureless mass just below Squishy's face with the very tips of his teeth. And if they had been mates back at the dawn of time, what delicious damage those teeth could have done.

"And his adorable smile...don't you want to snuggle him?"

"Yes...yes...and that's not all."

A brief pause occurred in the conversation—no doubt so that Terri could savor the confession, Terry thought.

"Well? What else can we do to him?"

"I want to kiss him. I want to bite him. I want to..."

Terri now lay kisses on the side of Terry's face, which Terry normally would have refused, but this matter had reached the stage of desperation.

"I want to take him into the bathtub and squeeze all his naked flab, and who knows what else!"

"_I_ know what else we should do with him," said Terri as he grabbed their hectocotylus, which throbbed and pulsated, streaks of bright blue coursing up and down its yellow and orange surface. "Here, I'll do the honors this time."

He lifted the muscular hydrostat, which now glowed like a fireball, and pressed his tongue against it. Terri licked up and down the length of the most sensitive appendage he shared with Terry.

Within a few seconds, black goo resembling seed-studded jelly bubbled between his tongue and the tip of his hectocotylus. Terri increased the pace of his licking, but the inseminating ichor spurted out onto his face. Terry heard his brother sigh in a mixture of disappointment and arousal.

"Oh, not _again_."

"I was trying to swallow it so it wouldn't get the sheets dirty."

"Well, if you hadn't noticed, it's still going. Here, let me help."

Rather than waiting for Terri to refuse him, Terry licked the sweet black substance off his brother's face. Then he grabbed the wriggling, squirting appendage and bathed it with his own tongue, allowing the goo to coat his chest.

One satisfied moan later, Terry stroked his hectocotylus until it finally lost its neon glow and shrank back to its original size. The Perrys slumped back on their mattress.

A minute of silence passed before one of them spoke.

"Terry?"

"Mmm, yes?"

"Do we even _need_ to go out on dates?"

"Shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

His last thought before he drifted off to the land of dancing shadows was that Shelley and Chellie were right: Terry and Terri would never know how it felt to have two sexes at once. But they knew that no one-headed monster could appreciate the hard work that their self-pleasuring required.

The next morning, they sat down at the breakfast table next to Squishy, who drank his glass of milk as if blissfully unaware of the immediate presence of the monster that wanted to paw and bite his naked body.

Sheri Squibbles passed by, a full laundry basket in her hands.

"Good morning, everyone! Oh, Terry and Terri, I've been needing to talk to you."

Both brothers gulped.

"Your sheets were all black and sticky. Now, I know you have needs," she said with a giggle. "But if you're going to do that, do it in the bathtub. It'll get rinsed down the drain that way."

After a slight cough, Terry said, "Don't worry, Mrs. Squibbles."

She hummed and proceeded to the basement door.

"What was Mom talking about?" Squishy asked.

"Well...let's just say it's hard for us to resist temptation when it's right there in front us," said Terry.

"I don't get it."

Terri leered at the little pink object of his affection. "Say, Squishy, your mom gave us the go-ahead. Wanna take a bath tonight?"


End file.
